Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Return of the Barnicle

Common name of sedentary crustacean animals constituting the subclass Cirripedia.

You are lost, in a puddle
of self sacrifice, of self sabotage,
of insecurities as large as
an asteroid crater
Your self respect lies
Like road kill, on a busy highway
How I want to shake you
Believe in you
Shine you up
like Aladdin's Lamp
Release the Ginny so that
You can manifest magic
Your eyes so warm
Your eyes so sad

You have forgotten how accept love
Even when it stares you right in the face
You have neglected yourself
and your kids suffer

Fear, I wish I could take a washcloth
Warm and wet and wipe this away with gentle strokes
It is pity, I want sexy
I want to see you in your dignity
to own it, like a fire hydrant
on a sweltering day
Quenching the parched pavement, putting out the fires
You want to to do good,
be good, be kind be a spark
I can't save you from this need
that is larger then a Christmas float in November
How can you so repel me
and reel me in like the moon's drag on earth's shore
like inhaling a cigarette
Like a vacuum cleaner hose

Can it be, you are not thinking as much as
feeling, needing, fumbling
Yet you call those thoughts
And I am affected
If only I say the right things
You will shine, you will soar
you will heal.

I am still not sure
what you want and don't want
From me, form life
And why I care so much
As if you sitting
on a park bench
Alone, in the fall
And everything around you
is grey and brown.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

what I learnt from a breast cancer scare

It left me fragile
there is a cost to being strong

I found it hard to reach out
ask for support
I am aware, some support
is toxic
it's hard to know what or who
won't be 'helpful'
even when they don't mean it

I fond my heart
now it feels, awakened
it's looking for a mate
but not while this was going on
not until the need was unleashed

my desirability
became a question
rebalancing that
my center

I hate worrying my friends and family
I preferred keeping this to myself
but the affect of that was
painful for them

What I learnt from a breast cancer scare;
I'm not willing to give up on my dreams
it brought out the warrior in me
the fighter

What I learnt from a breast cancer scare;
I am open to love now
I am a warrior for my dreams
It is the gift
I am cancer free

Friday, May 21, 2010

Dark Daffodils

Dark Daffodils
are shutting the door
to say goodbye
forever more
to darkness

from far away
I hear the call
you are the one
my wonder all
consuming, distracting,

I dust my shelves
my books I straighten
My clothes I fold
I am not mistaken
the place where I feel you
lies in the center of my being
by inspiration, I am caught cleaning
To call you forth
to conjure you to me
For ever more, as always

Time dilates, I radiate
I walk about, without a doubt
I'm over here, you're under there
Love is a concept, I breath and stare
at springs renewal
the birds song
of southern cold winds
your head rings
I am waiting, still waiting
For you

I cannot say goodbye
I cannot stop this
I swim in the ocean of your essence
I am helplessly lost, imagining your lips
forever more, as always

This bliss is painfully close to the matter
This call is like madness, to love, not to spatter
to trust what's in front
not plan
not falter
our guides tell us it matters
to climb the ladder
for love
cross the oceans
for love
clean the mess, do your taxes, make the bed
for love
for ever more, as always

Saturday, May 15, 2010

You Have to Feed the Fish

You Have to Feed the Fish

My heart is landing somewhere
I am listening to the walls
So I float through a door
in my search
what are the whispers saying?

I am adrift on this raft, out at sea
so alone, so isolated, without comfort,
Will I find the port in the storm
match the missing mitten on a cold day
remember the galoshes or the muddy puddles
I have an intense hunger
it says,
You have to feed the fish, you have to water the plants.

The alarm goes off and one can press reset
sleep a little longer,
but in the end you get up to face the day, when
your love has flown its migratory path half way around the world it needs to rest,
it needs a soft landing.
It wants to exhale,
to build a home,
every twig of experience gathered with care
Finding the right tree,
singing a duet to greet the morning sky
nurturing enough to perch perfectly and see past the trees

I need to go into the place
where I dismantle the need
find that place
Find the power
You're controlling it and I exclaim:
Are you kidding me?

I am a tropical fish
delicate but sturdy
I need constant flow, a soft current
I need warm waters and food and care
Fed by your gentle fingers, gentle, strong, consistent
How could I loose something I never really had
as I reach out,
I don't want it to slip though those fingers
meant for touching, caressing
I hold onto the idea,
but watch the space begin to grow, neglect
stretching the nuances, a distraction
like the drilling bit lost in the concrete
fantasy, of the You and the I finding each other

I'm lucky to feel this love, I'm lucky
to feel anything
really. I want you to explore the
terrain of my heart and plant your flag,
and stake a claim, pierce
me, possess me, then tether me and
I will always find my
way back home.

Thursday, May 13, 2010



Beautiful, delicious, joyous
my yearning swells my heart
baths me in a swath of light, flight and love
the one
the oneness
the onenessity
vibrating vibration, sending out the splashing
my turbulence
needs the corporal self
needs human warmth
galaxies of wonder
dimensions of bliss
energies dancing without form
the light so light, light, so light
I measured up,
I stepped up,
I offered my out stretched heart
I opened up,
I trusted up,
I believed
in this magnificent fountain
in the warmth of the sun radiating
in the pleasure of loving freely
send it out, pass it around, don't keep it for yourself
bath in it
ride the waves
trust like the wind
have faith like the rain
endure like the horizon
primed for it
an opus to the divine
the eternal swelling of the infinite
galactic, noble, gracious

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Daffodils, Fiddleheads, Dandelions

Daffodils, Fiddleheads, Dandelions

The voices beg me to go deeper, reach cleaner, yearn closer
I dream of a spectacular love, I dream of another life, I dream of transformations and hugging, sensual bliss and being at peace. Searching the forest floor for mushrooms and fiddleheads, wild garlic and fantom fairies, I begin to repeat myself, leaving echos, leaving footprints, leaving words, dropping stitches. So I wake up, this dream inside the dream. This river inside this spiral arm of the cosmic wind, gently pushes each galaxy to collide, to slide, to beckon, to borrow. The spotty night sky, inside the looming spiders in the corner sway to the saved messages on your answering machine. Spring brings rainbows to bless the union and quench the thirst of the rich soil, spring celebrates with Daffodils and lilies and young nettle to feast and sting. Spring also invites fiddleheads and dandelions, coaxing their transformation, encouraging the energy to Blossom, Bloom, Banter. I did not hold your hand, but you did hold out yours to me in the most chaste and gentlemanly fashion, endearing myself, imprinting the impression of warmer weather and summers approach. I beckon my open heart, but I'm careful with my Body language. I nestle into the corner of your heart, but I am only visiting, the cold earth has yet to be planted. It's too much, to young, too far, too complicated, to be real.

All I wish for is the life of living real love.
All I love is real while wishing for a life well lived.

Friday, April 30, 2010


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Tuesday, April 13, 2010

An Ode to You

The landscape of my soul.
The geography of my heart.

My heart has a natural spring to its step.
A Natural Spring, its aquifer deep,
it trickles to the surface, sometimes its a spring, a coil, a spiral of tension,
held back, usually un-activated, dormant with stored energy,
it does not self rotate, it imitates independent will, although that could be misleading
It does not have its own torque
What are the triggers, I'm sure to discover there are key words and emotional spatter
part of my brain feeds on the energy of speculation
speculation leaves me impulsive
so concentration begins to erode
chemicals are now racing through my nervous system for hours
influencing my focus, meshed, vulnerable
I want to make plans, take planes, plot, preen
bask in plausible pleasure,
and play
The delight in speculating our souls mission
the promise, the hint of your expression on my body
Today is a new day
the rain cold and unrelenting
feeding the spring, earth releasing a sleepy haze
my brain has pirroetted
A critical mass, an energy signature
each step releases the combination
until I begin to think in terms of
"You and I', we, us, till the next time
till you call, till we see each other
I run it through my head,
it feels like I could go there, to the love Den, if I wanted a lover.
I do not want a lover or anything resembling reruns of Karma unresolved.

A heart that matters to me,
someone resolved to love me straight to my soul, swept off my feet
the ground and earth call,
the planting and seedlings of spring
the season of rebirth,
bathed in this appreciation of the possible delight of an impossible union
I feel the warmth of the sun getting stronger, lasting longer,
like the heavens trying harder, my tenderness like soft new foillage,
my vulnerability like ferns turning into fiddle heads,
my willingness like Dandilions, willing the yellow to turn into feather like ideas, that disperse

You do not want me the way I don't want others
who come hopeful at my door and I reject politely
You do not desire me the way I feel repelled by the attention of the right sort who could love me and bore me to death
let it go, let it go
let it go
It's spring.